As I approach the end of my rain affected 65 minute journey to Hillsview Recreation Reserve from the South-East suburbs bemoaning the lack of direct route to my destination, I drive straight past the disproportionately small car park – which really should have a sign saying “don’t bother” – and turn into a side street, complying with the apparent etiquette of parking half a car on the nature strip and half on the actual road.
Walking through the ground’s side entrance, I sense a bit of a minimalist feel around Bundoora at this point in time. Along with the limited parking, narrow streets and humble surroundings, the table-topping United girls also possess the WPL’s most miserly defence – conceding only four goals all season.
It’s apt then that today’s opponents are the second-placed maximalists South Melbourne, the glamour club with their big stadium, ample parking space – a moot point when you have to pay to use it – and most goals scored in the competition.
To paint a picture here, it’s the cliche battle between an unstoppable object and an immovable force, or, if I’m to hesitantly continue with the art metaphor, perhaps a clash between a serene Monet and a schizophrenic Picasso. I don’t know. But it’s an exciting prospect, anyway.
***
And so the usual gameday process commences, where I first collect the teamsheets from the referee’s room. It’s not as glamorous as what I romanticise a player’s pre-match rituals to be, probably consisting of Sandstorm unironically blasting through the dressing room to pump the team up, before the coach walks in with a rousing motivational speech that encourages opponents’ legs to be broken.
But reading a fresh teamsheet does provoke its own mini adrenaline rush, like examining a declassified government document for the first time. This is especially true in the case of Bundoora’s lineup, which almost requires CIA skills to decipher Mark Torcaso’s handwriting. Mind you, South’s isn’t much better, and I really am throwing stones from a glass house when I criticise others’ writing without reflecting on my own.
After taking my position on the coaches’ side of the pitch and observing a minute’s silence to commemorate ANZAC Day, the game kicks off and Paul Kilpatrick is immediately in the thick of the action. Alison Baker wins a foul and he loudly blurts out “she dived,” in a half-serious, half-banter tone. Torcaso chimes in with a witty quip of his own, getting a giggle out of some Bundoora parents. Their coaching dynamic – along with their relationship with today’s referee Tina Zaf – certainly is unconventional, but I don’t begrudge Paul and Mark their partnership, as co-managing a team is something I’ve often dreamed about with a mate when we play FIFA career mode together.
South come close to drawing first blood, with Alison Baker winning the ball in midfield and finding Nat Martineau who tees up Tiff Eliadis, but her shot is dealt with easily enough by Bethany Mason-Jones. Up the other end, Jess Au hits a shot wide of the mark in her first competitive outing against her old side.
The first quarter of an hour sees the ball mostly to-and-fro around the middle of the pitch with neither side settling quickly nor giving away anything cheap. The nerviest moment for the visitors comes about when an innocuous ball forward is won by the industrious Elly Curo, with Louisa Bisby striking the follow-up over the bar.
To my left, South coach Socrates Nicolaidis urges his players to pressure Bundoora in the centre of the park, desperate to dominate the midfield battle. “That’s where we want to win it,” he bellows. His name sounds like a poet or a philosopher, and quite appropriately some of his tactics this season have resembled a Greek epic – with Martineau starting the campaign as a right back, Eliadis and Dudley-Smith used in a dual-10 system, and Lauren Farrugia deployed as a caretaker goalkeeper. But will today end in a Greek tragedy?
The physicality soon escalates after the 20-minute mark, with Rhea Schreuder bundling into Claudia Fruscalzo, raising the Ire of Torcaso and Kilpatrick. A couple of challenges later and the game stops for a second minute’s silence as the referee officially hands down a warning to the coaches for their dissent. Fruscalzo does eventually fall victim to the earlier challenge and is replaced by Stacey Papadopoulos, with Jess Pitts hesitantly shifting to centre-back alongside the impressive Gulcan Koca. One more heavy South Melbourne challenge sees Jade Feakes the first player into the book.
Papadpoulos’ introduction causes me some grief. See, all of Papadopoulos, Jess Au, Rachel Alonso and Enza Barilla along the front third don’t look too dissimilar, and after a year or so of complaining about my deteriorating eyesight, the Bundoora side may just be the catalyst for me to finally visit an optometrist. Sometimes as a match reporter you wish a player would perform a pirouette to reveal her number to the sideline following a noteworthy piece of play, not in a ‘Genie Bouchard being asked to twirl by an old commentator at the Aussie Open’ way, but more of a help me out here as I try to report the game without the benefit of a live replay.’
I get chatting to the Bundy parent(s?) along the sideline about Rachel Alonso’s performance so far, who has been dangerous on the left wing, and one mother predicts she will eventually score. I don’t disagree. Like clockwork, from a Bisby corner, South fail to clear their lines and Alonso pops up to score. Nostradamus would be proud.
There’s one more talking point before the break as Barilla plays through Curo in on goal, who is taken down by Carol Howes on the edge of the area. A yellow is given. Should it have been a red? The Bundy players and fans certainly think so, but the referee waves away their protests and Howes lives to fight another day.
***
The team talk seems to have had an effect on the visitors, who fashion a few half-chances and earn a corner after a break, and it feels like a comeback could be on the cards.
However, as the heavens open up they also smile on Bundoora, with Alonso gifted her second goal in the 65th minute – following some good build up work from Jess Au – when Lauren Farrugia misjudges a tame shot through her arms, resembling Adam Federici in the FA Cup. It’s harsh on Farrugia, but Bundoora will gladly accept it.
As the rain continues to tumble, the sideline ladies offer me cover under the umbrella. In an act of mutual convenience I offer to take control of the umbrella, giving my 6’3 frame adequate cover from the rain, whilst relieving them of holding duties. It does hinder my ability to Tweet the action and save notes in my phone, but by now the contest is merely a formality, with South’s spirits effectively crushed.
The hosts do kill off the game in the 82nd minute through Bisby, who scores her fifth goal in six games with a trademark powerful effort from past the 18-yard-box. Her tall figure stands out amongst the crowd as she’s mobbed by teammates. It somewhat reminds me of me, in that I’m also tall and stick out like a sore thumb, but she – imposing, commanding, and a natural leader – is also everything I’m not. As I stand there pondering my own insecurities for a few minutes, the referee blows her whistle to signal the end of the game.
After the players head in I try to seek out Bisby for a few words, but the inventive Torcaso organises a whole party including himself, Kilpatrick and Barilla for a post-match interview. The five of us huddle in a circle in the storage shed of all places, looking very shady, resembling the classic Dogs Playing Poker painting, just without the cigars, cards or even a table. I need to give up on the art analogies.
In any case, the theme emerging from the chat is that Bundoora’s win today is reflective of its campaign so far – a disciplined, professional performance by a tight-knit squad that knows both its attacking and defensive roles and executes it with aplomb. In the end, the immovable force was also an unstoppable object on the day, and should Bundy keep this form up, the 2015 season could be as celebrated as the Mona Lisa.
***
Bundoora United 3 (Alonso 34′ 65′, Bisby 82′) defeated South Melbourne 0 at Hillsview Recreation Reserve
Bundoora United: 1. Beth Mason-Jones, 13. Claudia Fruscalzo (17. Stacey Papadopoulos 27′ (21. Claudia Dimasi 87′)), 2. Monique Ianella, 10. Gulcan Koca, 9. Tyla-Jay Vlajnic, 16. Louisa Bisby, 23. Jess Pitts, 14. Rachel Alonso, 7. Enza Barilla, 11. Jess Au (15. Krystal McKluskey 90′), 8. Elly Curo
Unused Substitutes: 18. Hailee Mesiti, 22. Deanna Fruscalzo,
Yellow Cards: None
Red Cards: None
South Melbourne: 1. Lauren Farrugia, 2. Brittany Dudley-Smith, 3. Jade Feakes (14. Natalie Brajanovski 88′), 4. Chloe Drinocsky, 5. Natalie Martineau, 6. Alex Cheal, 7. Rhea Schreuder (11. Saphri Lines 59′), 8. Carol Howes, 10. Tiff Eliadis, 13. Marianna Anthony, 17. Alison Baker (9. Sarah Sumner 88′)
Unused Substitutes: 21. Jenna Ibrahim
Yellow Cards: Feakes 28′, Howes 39′, Eliadis 82′
Red Cards: None