It was an inconspicuous start to the A-League launch. Needing to get to Etihad Stadium’s swanky Medallion Club on the second floor, the elevator takes us plebs up to the third level, then down to the basement. Twice. The people waiting at those floors give perplexing looks each time. “You shall not pass”, bellows Etihad’s imaginary Gandalf. An employee finally gets on and uses his swipe card to scan us up to the correct level. He tells us not to tell anyone.
The Medallion Club’s welcoming doormat reads, “The place to be. Brilliant,” as though the marketing gurus were split 50-50 on which exact phrase to use. Coincidentally, I’m going through a phase of saying ‘brilliant’ a lot, so the mat really resonates with me. Brilliant.
After a bit of a wait, David Villa and co. are ushered into the room. Representatives of four clubs – Melbourne City, Victory, Perth and Adelaide – are in attendance. The media sits behind them to watch a promotional video of last season’s key moments. Promotion, propaganda; pot’ay’to, pot’ah’to. Brilliant. Awe-inspiring. Though I wonder what David Villa makes of Terry McFlynn counting as one of the ‘legends’ we farewelled last season. Probably nothing.
Lucy Zelic then appears on stage, announcing, “My name is Lucy Zelic from SBS television and it is my absolute pleasure to be here today to launch the season.” Thank you Lucy Zelic from SBS television.
She opens with a nice anecdote:
“I can’t tell you all how proud I am to stand up here before you and usher in the season. It felt just like yesterday that I was going along to the debut match of the inaugural season to watch the Jets take on Adelaide at Energy Australia Stadium.”
The answer to a good trivia question lies within that opener.
“I went from chanting in the stands to telling friends I was too busy on Friday night to come out because I wanted to hang out with dad and sit on the couch and watch the football. I went from the stands to the sidelines, from sharing a bucket of hot chips with mum, to sharing a mirror just half an hour ago with David Villa in preparation for this event. This is what dreams are made of.”
Brilliant. She knows her stuff. She’s passionate about the sport and the competition, coming from a famous Australian footballing family. She’s the perfect host.
Zelic thanks administrators, fans, players and coaches for making the sport ‘beautiful’ – which serves as this season’s keyword and official hashtag – before introducing A-League head Damian de Bohun. He rifles off some PR speech. It’s been a 10-year journey. Memberships are on the rise, as are crowds. Football will move from SBS 2 to SBS 1. What a time to be alive. They play this season’s advertisement. I wonder what David Villa makes of himself in one scene, followed by a parody of a cross-armed Mark Bosnich in front of a portrait of a cross-armed Mark Bosnich jokingly announcing his return as a player. Probably nothing.
Perth’s coach Kenny Lowe, captain Michael Thwaite and new import Andy Keogh take the stage first. Lowe is immediately asked how he will translate good signings on paper to success on the pitch – a common difficulty for the A-League’s perennial underachievers. Good start by Zelic. Next, Thwaite is asked, “What is beautiful?”. “Beautiful is winning,” he replies, implying that Perth have been the competition’s ugly duckling since its inception.
Next up is Andy Keogh, a curious signing considering the Irish international with experience in England’s top tier in only 28. Normally players like that come to the A-League after 30. Zelic throws him this:
“I was actually reading an article the other day that said, with all due respect to David Villa, forget Damian Duff, forget David Villa- Andy Keogh is where it’s at.“
Whoaaaaa! Somebody send Villa’s translator a telepathic message not to bother translating that to him. How is Keogh going to live up to that sort of expectation? “It’s going to be hard,” he replies. “You’re goddamn right,” I think, channelling my inner Heisenberg. I wonder what Villa makes of this. Probably nothing. Or he’s thinking about all the World Cups and La Ligas and Champions Leagues Keogh hasn’t won.
Josep Gomabau, Eugene Galekovic and Marcelo Carrusca are next in the hot seats. Zelic asks Gombau about the Spanish style of play and how the new signings are fitting in. All is well, asserts Gombau. I’m waiting to hear Zelic say, “no disrespect to David Villa, but 31-year-old former Liga Adelente stalwart Pablo Sánchez is where it’s at”. That never comes, but her next quip to Eugene Galekovic is a pearler:
“I was actually talking to a cab driver on the way here and he said, “What are you doing?”, and I said, “Oh I’m actually going to the A-League launch”. He asked who’s going to be there and I was listing off the teams and I mentioned Adelaide, and he said, “I would rather watch Adelaide play the way they do and lose, then watch the Western Sydney Wanderers win.”
Whoaaaaaaa! Shots fired! Somebody send a carrier pigeon to the Sydney launch to shove the message in Tony Popovic’s face. The crowd murmurs. Galekovic replies pragmatically. Then he frowns, probably realising Western Sydney are in a Champions league final, and Adelaide are not.
There’s a pattern emerging here. Zelic isn’t your wishy-washy type. She’s a bit cheeky with her questions. She’s got chutzpah.
To Melbourne Victory’s Leigh Broxham, she asks:
“Before I met Musky I called dad and I said, “Dad, I’m shitting my pants, I’ve got to interview Kevin Muscat and he went quiet and he said, “Child, if he interviews like he tackles, you’re in trouble”… What’s he like to work with?”
Whoaaaaaa! Somebody send Adrian Zahra some x-rays of his knee in 2011. Also, Zelic really did say, “shitting my pants”. Brilliant.
“Well, he’s right here so, uh… he’s a fantastic bloke,” quips Broxham, to howls in the room. Muscat fumes, looking to Kosmina-grip somebody. I wonder what David Villa is thinking right now. Probably nothing.
Berisha loves the banter. Not one to miss out on the action, he tells the crowd that he looks better in blue. Leave the jokes to Zelic, pal.
But our MC also proves she’s obedient. Under the watchful eye of CEO Scott Munn, she dares not utter a confronting question to Melbourne City’s John van’ t Schip, Paddy Kisnorbo or David Villa, continuing the club’s low-key introduction of Villa to Australia. The 10 game guest stint player stares at the toilet seat, secretly taunting him with a Borat-esque, “You will never get this, you will never get this, la la la la la la.”
Lucy Zelic soon wraps everything up. Throughout the whole presentation, at my schadenfreudean worst, I was waiting for a slip of the tongue, a stutter, a reference to ‘Heart’ instead of City. It never came. Zelic was engaging, endearing, daring, funny. This piece was meant to be a recap of the day, but the day belonged to Lucy Zelic. I wonder what David Villa is thinking. “Brilliant”.
Fantastic end to the morning, @LucyZelic a fantastic MC for the media. Bring on the #ALeague! #BeautifulGame pic.twitter.com/CuHZC87DSZ
— The Corner Flag (@CornerFlagOz) October 7, 2014